


plant a rose in my chest

by herasarchives



Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Angst, Hanahaki Disease, Heavy Angst, How Do I Tag, M/M, Minor Miya Osamu/Suna Rintarou, Pining Sakusa Kiyoomi, Sakusa Kiyoomi-centric, Time Skips, Why Did I Write This?
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-11-14
Updated: 2020-11-14
Packaged: 2021-03-10 05:54:09
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 8,081
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27529534
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/herasarchives/pseuds/herasarchives
Summary: rose/rəʊz/ • noun1. A prickly bush or shrub that typically bears red, pink, yellow, or white fragrant flowers, native to north temperate regions and widely grown as an ornamental.2. The most severe and only fatal stage of the hanahaki disease; those affected and left untreated have an average lifespan of 6 months.// sakuatsu hanahaki aufor matt
Relationships: Miya Atsumu/Sakusa Kiyoomi
Comments: 15
Kudos: 79





	plant a rose in my chest

**Author's Note:**

> just a little head's up for some TW's present in this fic
> 
> -blood (duh)  
> -just an overall pretty graphic description of hanahaki and everything surrounding it  
> -one (1) mention of implied death (an unnamed character who's not really important in the story)  
> -alcohol consumption  
> -drug use (weed)  
> -one (1) stripper joke

Sakusa Kiyoomi wasn't an expressive person. He usually kept his feelings to himself, and didn't bother other people with his problems; he always found a way to deal with them on his own.

Atsumu Miya on the other hand was a very expressive person. You could immediately know how he was feeling just by looking at him, and even though he always tried to solve his problems by himself, he usually ended asking someone for help.

They were practically opposites.

To imagine Atsumu falling for Sakusa was plausible. It was usually Atsumu who started conversations, who teased the other, even though all these actions were nothing more than their opposing personalities meeting.

On the other hand, to imagine Sakusa falling for Atsumu; that thought had never crossed anyone's mind. It never really seemed Sakusa had any interest in Atsumu, or anyone, actually.

Well, you should always expect the unexpected.

\------------

Sakusa leaned against the wall, a towel draped around his shoulders, water bottle in hand. He took a sip and looked in front of himself, currently watching Atsumu set the ball for Hinata, who sent it flying to the other side of the net effortlessly. A loud cheer erupted from the other side of the court, the voice belonging to the one and only Bokuto Kōtarō, his face glowing like the sun as he praised the ginger.

Compared to that trio, Sakusa was definitely the odd one out, his calm and collected demeanour clashing with the ecstatic and all-over-the-place energy the three radiated. The three were often the embodiment of dumb, dumber and even dumber, and much to Sakusa's dislike he often felt as if he were responsible for looking after them. But no matter how annoying they could get, they were his teammates, his friends and even though he would never admit it, he _did_ enjoy their presence.

He enjoyed the presence of one especially a little too much.

Sakusa didn't remember when exactly it had started, no matter how much he thought about it, he couldn't remember when he started falling for the blonde setter. Sakusa wasn't even one hundred per cent sure if he _was_ actually falling for him, the topic of "feelings" and "romantic attraction" still being pretty fresh for him.

With Sakusa being used to solving all his problems on his own, he disliked the fact that he couldn't figure this one out. Giving up on the chance that he could figure this one on his own, he decided to ask for help.

"How do you know if you have feelings for someone?"

"Hello to you too, Kiyoomi," Komori replied from the other side of the phone.

"Please answer the question," Sakusa sighed.

"About time," Komori replied.

"What?" Sakusa asked, a confused look on his face.

"About time that you found someone to date," Komori explained.

"How am I supposed to date them, if I don't even know if I'm in love with them, Komori?" Sakusa asked.

"Well, just the fact that you wonder if you have feelings for them is a sign, in my opinion," Komori replied.

"Can you please just answer the question," Sakusa repeated.

"Uh, I mean, it's different for everyone, to be honest," Komori stuttered. "Does your heart start to beat faster if they're in your presence? Do you become more nervous? Do you subconsciously interact with them more, or try to interact with them more? Are they on your mind most of the time?"

Sakusa counted the times he agreed to each question Komori just listed in his head.

_Four._

"And most importantly," Komori continued. "Do you get jealous if they interact with somebody else in a certain way?"

_Five._

"Oh, okay, thanks," Sakusa managed to get out, his mind now focused on different things.

"From your reaction, sounds like you know the answer," Komori snickered. "Good luck."

"Yeah," Sakusa agreed. "I'll need it."

Those five questions continued to float around in his head for a long time, and even now he started to wonder if he really does all five of them.

"Oi, Omi! Quit sittin' around and practice a few shots with me!"

His voice would be able to wake him from the deepest sleep, so breaking his thought process was nothing too complicated. Sakusa's eyes were on Atsumu almost immediately.

"Sure," he nodded and sat up from the bench.

Even though his thoughts didn't even come close to volleyball, he had missed none of the shots, both to the fact that Atsumu's shots were especially good today and that something inside of Sakusa just wouldn't let him miss.

"Tsum-Tsum?" Bokuto called out from the back.

"Ya?" Atsumu turned around at the spiker.

"Can we go grab dinner at your brother's place?" Bokuto's eyes literally glowed as he asked the question.

"Since ya asked so nicely, Bokkun," Atsumu smirked. "Let's pack it up and pay my little brother a visit."

\------------

Osamu had a little under two hours left until he'd close the shop, and as he was making another order, his phone screen brightened. It wasn't rare for people to text him during the day, so he didn't pay much attention to the notification until he saw his screen brighten up again.

 _Two notifications in fifteen minutes?_ he thought. _That's uncommon._

He placed down the food and walked over to his phone, hovering over to read the first message.

**from: rinrin**

the regular. thank u. see u soon <3.

He smiled at the first message and scrolled down to read the second one.

**from: my brother, unfortunately**

bringing the holy quartet over, brace yourself.

He sighed at this message, and returned to his main order, finishing it just as the bell on his door signalized that he had visitors.

The familiar green eyes met his, as Suna walked over to sit behind the counter.

"I'm probably gonna be needin' yer help tonight, closin' up," Osamu noted as he started to make Suna's dinner.

"Wha-"

Suna's sentence was interrupted by the doorbell ringing again. He turned around, and after seeing the people who walked in, he realized there's no need for him to finish his question.

"Oi 'Samu!" Atsumu called out, the rest of the group huddled behind him.

"Hey 'Tsumu," Osamu replied, not looking up from the food he was preparing. "Sit down, I'll be right with ya."

The four sat down into a booth and carried on with the conversation they started on the way there - what would they be doing if they hadn't had started to play volleyball professionally.

Hinata said he'd stay in Brazil, doing some part-time jobs and filling his time with beach volleyball. Bokuto said he'd join Akaashi by working in a Shonen Jump magazine, but after overthinking his answer way too much, Sakusa ended up calling Akaashi, asking in a semi-annoyed whisper on how to make Bokuto think he'd make a great manga artist. Atsumu listed seventeen different career options which were in no way connected to each other so far, and he showed no signs of stopping as more professions spilt from his mouth.

"What about a singer?" Atsumu suggested.

"Ya can't sing," Osamu suddenly appeared from the corner.

"Dancer."

"Ya can't dance either."

"Then I'd help ya with this place."

"For the sake of my customers, I'd never let ya near the kitchen," Osamu shook his head at his twin. "The most you could do is clean."

"That sounds more like a job for Omi-kun," Atsumu now turned around at Sakusa, a shit-eating grin on his face.

People would assume that Sakusa wanted nothing more but to punch Atsumu in the face right now, but actually, he was fighting off the urge to smile.

"No thanks," he declined. "Not that I think your place isn't clean Osamu, I just believe I have more potential."

"Really?" Atsumu's eyes lightened up, "What would yer job be then?"

"Could we sort out the professions after we ordered?" Bokuto interjected. "I'm starving."

"Thanks, Bokuto," Osamu agreed as he took out his notepad and pen. "What can I get ya?"

"I'll have the fish menu," Bokuto ordered.

"Twice, but make it one of the salmon for an extra tuna," Hinata added.

"For me, it's the classic," Atsumu said. "And ya will want the tuna mayo and salted cod roe combo, with an extra tempura one, right?"

Atsumu ended the sentence by looking at Sakusa.

Sakusa froze for a moment, after realizing that Atsumu had his order memorized perfectly.

"Yeah," he nodded.

"Great, I'll have it done right away," Osamu said. "And by the way, even though ya can't sing or dance, 'Tsumu, I think yer would make a decent stripper."

"Oi shut yer trap!" Atsumu called out at him as he left back to the kitchen. "I'd make an amazing stripper!"

\------------

After finishing his meal, Sakusa felt like he needed to breathe in some fresh air, starting to suffocate in the overall atmosphere of the nearly packed restaurant.

The outside greeted Sakusa with a wave of fresh air he needed. He pulled down his mask to feel the light breeze on his skin and inhaled a few times before looking into the sunset in front of him. He stayed like there for a few minutes, enjoying the view and the golden hour breeze.

"What are ya doin' out here?" a familiar voice came from the right.

"What are _you_ doing out here?" Sakusa replied. "Don't you have a place to run?"

"I asked first," Osamu said, a smile typical for the twins appearing on his face.

"Just needed some fresh air," Sakusa responded. "You know I don't take public places that well."

"Well, I need some fresh air too, once in a while," Osamu commented.

Sakusa looked back at the setting sun, the sky now painted hues of yellow, orange and red, the star hidden behind the tall buildings of the city.

"Do ya like him?"

"What?" Sakusa turned around at Osamu.

"Do ya like him?" Osamu repeated, making eye contact with Sakusa. "My brother."

"I-" Sakusa started, feeling the blood rise into his face. "I don't know, to be honest."

"Tsk, shut up," Osamu scoffed. "Are ya really that oblivious about yer own feelings?"

Sakusa didn't respond.

"Listen I don't really care if ya have a crush on him or not," Osamu continued. "Just don't start anythin' before ya are sure of yer feelings. I really don't want this ending up like last time."

"What happened the last time?" Sakusa asked.

"Not really my place to talk about it, is it?" Osamu looked at the floor. "And don't go asking him about it, it's just gonna end up with him getting mad at the both of us. He'll tell ya once he wants ya to know."

"Sure," Sakusa nodded, as he headed back inside, now even more confused.

\------------

The rest of the evening went pretty fast, the group finishing their drinks before unevenly splitting the bill into four parts and then each heading home on a different train.

During the entire ride, Sakusa could only think about Atsumu. Everything that had happened between them during the time of the two knew each other, from the way he grew to become familiar and accepting towards Atsumu's loud and extravagant personality, to the small gestures Atsumu did for him, that he didn't even notice until he thought back at them. 

He mostly thought about the fact that for some reason Atsumu remembered his go-to order.

 _What other little things does he know?_ he asked himself. _Does he remember my other go-to orders in different places? Does he know that I like sleeping next to a window? That I always keep a glass of water on my nightstand? That Saturdays and Thursdays are laundry days? That he knows how to play the violin but rarely does lately? That-_

The jingle of Sakusa's stop snapped him back to reality.

He got off the train and took the exit that led to his street, fumbling in his pockets for his keys as he approached his apartment complex. He opened the main door, called for his elevator, hit the number of his floor and unlocked the door to his apartment, all while still thinking about Atsumu.

God, he was like a drug to him.

If you walked up to Sakusa Kiyoomi half a year ago and told him that a few months from now he would be head over heels for Miya Atsumu, he wouldn't even respond to you.

And here he was, the blonde on his mind 24/7.

Every feature Sakusa used to think of as annoying now became addictive for him. He could listen to him talk on a loop for hours, he could stare into his brown eyes for an eternity, but being the man he was, he kept it all to himself, letting his feeling bubble and boil inside his mind.

Well, if you stop paying attention to boiling water, it might just overflow.

\------------

Atsumu's and Osamu's birthday party was in full swing. The place was overcrowded, to say the least. While Osamu only invited a ring of his close friends, Atsumu sent an invite to what seemed like half of Japan, his twin brother now extremely regretting the decision of a joint birthday party. Osamu could have been tracked out easily; chances are you'd find him somewhere near the food tables, his now _very_ stoned boyfriend hanging on his arm. Finding Atsumu on the other hand would be like trying to look for a needle in a haystack. He was _everywhere,_ yet Sakusa couldn't really pinpoint him at one place. To take both clear his head from the blonde and to at least for a moment get rid of the crowds, Sakusa headed for the balcony. He set his drink on one of the tables and ran his hand through his hair as he took a breath of the fresh evening air. He closed his eyes as he let the gentle breeze ruffle his hair, with one hand subconsciously loosening the knot of his tie.

He was aware he was pushing back his feelings for too long, and that if he'd keep up with it, he'd end up exploding, and he'd be way more content to work out this situation while having it under control. Today would actually seem like a good occasion to let Atsumu know about his feelings, but something was still holding Sakusa back.

 _How can you be sure he likes you back?_ Sakusa asked himself. _Do you wanna make it weird between the team if he rejects you?_

"Omi-Kun!"

There he was, the source of all his problems and the reason behind most of his smiles.

Sakusa turned around at the nickname, spotting the man he was looking for the whole night, leaning against the frame of the balcony. His hair was dishevelled, his shirt halfway unbuttoned, a half-empty bottle of godly expensive champagne dangled between two fingers of his free hand, while he used the second one to support himself against a wall.

That, and he was missing a shoe.

“Hey, Atsumu, how is it-“ Sakusa started.

“Come and have a drink with me, Omi-kun!” 

Even in a state like this, Atsumu looked ethereal to Sakusa. He couldn’t stop himself from lightly smiling, a faint blush dusting his cheeks.

“Nah,” Sakusa declined the offer. “You’re not in a state for more drinks.”

“Yer such a buzzkill,” Atsumu mumbled, stumbling towards Sakusa. “One drink.”

“I don’t drink remember?” Sakusa reminded him.

“It’s my birthday, Omi-kun,” Atsumu begged. “Can’t ya do it for a friend?” 

_For a friend, no,_ Sakusa thought. _For a hopeless crush, sure._

“Do you even have glasses?” Sakusa asked.

“What for?” Atsumu lifted the bottle.

“You gotta be kidding me,” Sakusa’s face turned serious again.

Atsumu replied by taking a gulp from the bottle.

“Yer turn,” he lifted the bottle towards Sakusa, almost hitting him in the face.

 _What wouldn’t I do for him,_ Sakusa thought as he brought the bottle to his lips.

Even though it was just a small sip of light champagne, Sakusa felt as if he drank a bottle of pure liquor, the faint cherry flavour stinging his throat, the taste of alcohol unfamiliar to him.

He placed the bottle on the nearest table and turned back to Atsumu who was now staring at him like crazy.

“Yer pretty..., ...pretty, Omi-kun,” Atsumu said, hiccuping right after. “In a suit like this, all dressed up.”

Sakusa’s brain crashed as an even stronger blush appeared on his face.

 _What a shame that he’s drunk and has no clue what he’s blabbering,_ Sakusa thought.

There’s no way Atsumu could be meaning those words in _that way,_ right?

“Thanks,” Sakusa mumbled out, his brain way too disorganized to form a coherent sentence. “You’re pretty pretty too.”

Atsumu’s head rose up, his lips forming a pout, one eyebrow raised, as he gave Sakusa a confused look.

He blinked once, twice, and then relaxed his face.

“Really?” he asked, moving closer to Sakusa.

With Atsumu being only a few centimetres from his face, Sakusa could observe his face like never before. 

His eyes, brown like ever, small streaks of gold flashing through them once every while, framed by surprisingly voluminous eyelashes, now deeply staring into his own, his blemish-free skin now slightly tinted pink from the intoxication, highlighting the tiny faint freckles you’d never notice from further away, his lips slightly parted, glossy from all the drinks of the night.

 _It’s now or never you fool,_ Sakusa’s internal voice screamed.

“Yeah,” Sakusa replied as one of his hands snaked around Atsumu’s waist as the other one slid to the back of his neck, bringing him closer as Sakusa closed the distance between them.

The only thing on Sakusa’s mind was the faint taste of alcohol mixed with cherries and white chocolate, as his hand found its way into Atsumu’s hair, pulling him even closer.

But the same way Sakusa’s fantasy had started, it came crashing down in seconds.

Atsumu lightly pulled away, a confused look now occupying Sakusa’s face.

“As much as I am flustered, Omi-kun,” Atsumu started as his eyes met Sakusa’s again, “I am currently seeing someone.”

Sakusa felt as if he were slapped across the face.

“Oh, um, I’m sorry,” he stumbled out. “I shouldn’t have done that.”

“Nah, yer good,” Atsumu assured him. “Ya couldn’t have known.”

Sakusa looked away, regret pouring over him.

“Let’s head back inside, it’s getting cold,” Atsumu said, seemingly having forgotten about the whole situation.

Suddenly, Sakusa felt like getting absolutely wrecked.

————-

It’s never nice to wake up to ringing in your head.

Sakusa opened his eyes and saw a blur of colours. He rubbed his eyes for a good half a minute before blinking a few times, adjusting his vision to his hangover world. Every single part of his body hurt, his head, his throat, his stomach, his legs, arms, neck and back, mostly due to the fact he fell asleep in an armchair and in a very uncomfortable angle.

He tapped his pockets to assure nothing had been stolen from him, and when he assured himself he wasn’t missing anything, he looked around.

He wasn’t the only one that stayed over at Atsumu’s place, and from all who were still there, he knew three.

Kuroo was sleeping on the sofa right next to him, a single line of drool hanging from the corner of his mouth. He met Ushijima in the kitchen, the silent ace scaring the shit out of him when he appeared out of thin air as he was filling a cup with water.

“Hello, Sakusa-kun,” he greeted.

Sakusa’s cup nearly fell out of his hands as he flinched at the deep voice from behind him.

“Good morning to you too, Ushijima-san,” he greeted back.

He emptied the cup before filling it up again and heading towards the balcony.

The bottle was still where he had placed it, a small amount of the drink still remaining, and Sakusa thought about finishing it before choosing the water instead.

"Well, you look like shit,” a familiar voice said from behind him.

He turned around to see Suna, hood over his head, a joint between his lips, piercing him with his sharp eyes.

“It’s what? 7 AM? And you’re already getting high,” Sakusa sighed at his antics.

“It’s half past 2 in the afternoon.”

“Wh-“ Sakusa’s words were stolen from him.

“10 hours of sleep are good for you, you shouldn’t be complaining,” Suna interrupted, his typical sarcasm present in his voice.

Sakusa scoffed at him.

“Besides, I didn’t mean it in the way that you look terrible, you look like something’s bothering you,” Suna added, exhaling the smoke.

“You could put it that way,” Sakusa replied.

“Sit,” Suna motioned to the seat next to him.

Sakusa obliged as he sprawled himself into the chair, again resting his tired body.

“Listen,” Suna started. “I’m a terrible talker and an even more terrible listener.”

He reached into his hoodie, shuffling through the pocket.

“So you can either talk to the wind, or you can let it out like this,” Suna placed a joint and a lighter on the table.

Sakusa froze, looking at the objects that Suna just placed on the table and then on Suna.

“What’s bothering _you_ that you smoke this much?” Sakusa asked.

“Just because you only see me smoking, doesn’t mean I do it all the time,” Suna answered, his eyes focused on something in the distance. “And to answer your question, nothing. It just feels nice to clear your mind once in a while, problems or not.”

Sakusa hesitated, before reaching for the marijuana cigarette. He turned to the side, one hand covering the joint from the breeze, the other one working the lighter. After successfully lighting it, he leant back into the chair and let Suna’s rolls do their magic.

\------------

Even though it had already been two days since he got drunk like never before, Sakusa Kiyoomi still felt like a crumpled piece of paper. He still experienced ringing in his head from time to time, a weird feeling in his chest occurred at least once a day, not to mention the mess of feelings he currently tried to make some sense out of.

 _You kissed him. He said he was dating someone,_ Sakusa thought. _On the other hand, though, he was drunk and had no actual idea of what he was doing and talking, so he didn't actually have to have been saying the truth._

Sakusa had never seen Atsumu actually drunk so it was hard for him to judge. He thought of calling Osamu for advice, but immediately threw that possibility out of his mind when he remembered the words he told him.

_"Just don't start anythin' before ya are sure of yer feelings,"_

But he was absolutely certain of his feeling when he kissed him, he was absolutely certain that he was crazily in love with Miya Atsumu.

_"I really don't want this ending up like last time."_

Did he make it end up like last time? Or was Osamu referring to something else?

Whatever each of them did and thought that night didn't matter to Sakusa now.

He only hoped that Atsumu wouldn't remember any of it.

But Miya Atsumu had a very good memory, even heavily drunk.

The phone on his counter buzzed.

Sakusa grabbed it and looked at the caller id, the sight sending a chill down his spine.

Miya Atsumu.

He picked up and placed the phone on speaker.

"Hey Atsumu," he greeted first.

"Hey, Sakusa, how are ya feelin'?"

 _Sakusa. He rarely calls me like that,_ Sakusa thought. _There's something different about his tone of voice too._

"Better," he responded.

"Do ya remember what happened?"Atsumu asked.

"You gotta be a little more specific, Atsumu, a lot of stuff happened at that party," Sakusa lied, not wanting the conversation to go the way it was heading.

"Ya kissed me."

Silence.

"Oh yeah," Sakusa replied, realizing Atsumu wouldn't continue until he heard a response from him. "That was probably the alcohol. Sorry. I should have had better control over myself."

"Ah, don't worry about it, we all do stuff we don't think through when we're drunk," Atsumu let out a gentle laugh.

 _Oh, thank the gods,_ Sakusa thought. _He bought it._

"I just wanted to make sure, ya know?" Atsumu continued. "So, no hard feelings right?"

"Like if I could _ever_ be attracted to you."

"Oi, I ain't really that terrible, am I?" Atsumu asked the typical playfulness back in his voice.

 _No, you're not,_ Sakusa wanted to say. _I thought that you were for a long time, but only recently I've realized that every single bit of you makes my life more interesting, more beautiful, more special. You're special. You probably don't think of yourself like this, but you should. I'm pretty sure that it's not only my life you make better, but everyone else's too. I want to tell you this, again and again, but I can't since I boiled all my feelings inside myself for eternity and even though I was late and destroyed any possible chance of us ever being together, I still love you, Miya Atsumu._

"You're absolutely insufferable, Atsumu," was what Sakusa said instead, resulting in a burst of echoing laughter from the other side of the phone.

\------------

It wasn't common for Sakusa Kiyoomi to be unable to sleep. He never let his feelings cloud his thoughts, and always fell asleep peacefully.

Until now.

He dwelled on Miya Atsumu, all the events of the birthday party a week ago, the lies he continued to tell, silently thankful for keeping his feelings to himself.

He could never imagine himself destroying someone else's relationship.

Even if one of the people were what he desired most in the world.

Sakusa would deal with it, somehow. He always did.

But right now, he had to deal with the intrusive thoughts that wouldn't let him sleep.

He got out of bed and walked towards his balcony, thinking that some fresh air will be able to clear his mind. He pushed the balcony door open, letting the night breeze of Tokyo hit his face. He pushed the door back, leaving a small gap so he could return and turned around to lean against the railing. His eyes scanned the city, the neon signs glowing everywhere he looked.

He suddenly felt something irritating his throat.

He coughed once, and then again, until he broke into a coughing fit, stumbling back inside as he tried not to cough his lungs out, and under the impression that he must be choking on something, immediately grabbed the glass of water that was resting on his bedside table and drank it.

But it seemed to have the opposite effect, as whatever was irritating him was now stuck in a position that was cutting of Sakusa from oxygen. He started to cough way more aggressively now, falling onto his knees as he gasped for air and with one final push, the element flew out of his mouth onto the light wood of his floor. He waited for his breathing to go back to normal, before standing up and turning on the lights.

Shining from the light brown wooden floors, surrounded by a few droplets of blood was a white petal, the blood staining it a light crimson.

"What the hell?" Sakusa stared at his floor in confusion.

\------------

After visiting every website he could find, and several calls with his doctor, Sakusa's diagnosis was certain.

Hanahaki Disease.

A disease in which the patient begins to cough out flower petals coming from a flower in their chest, due to being a victim of unrequited love.

Sakusa's eyes trailed the paper from his doctor.

Subtype: Rose

The most severe and only fatal subtype.

If left untreated Sakusa would only live to see the next 6 months.

Well, wasn't he lucky.

\------------

"Sakusa isn't coming to practice today as well?" Bokuto asked, a worried look on his face.

"No," Samson replied. "He called in sick. He doesn't know for how long. As far as I know, it's some sort of a condition, so you are free to visit him if he's okay with it of course."

"Omi-kun getting sick?" Atsumu repeated for himself. "That's kinda ironic if ya think about it."

"Coach just said it isn't a virus, idiot," Thomas elbowed him in the ribs. "But still, I'd leave Sakusa alone. He seems to have a liking for it."

Atsumu turned over to Hinata, who with Bokuto were already looking his way, the trio deciding on their plan via unspoken communication, Hinata taking out his phone almost immediately after, and sending a text to Sakusa.

\------------

Sakusa laid sideways on the couch, watching the cooking show, the only interesting thing on the tv at this time of the day. The trash bin was right next to him, halfway filled with tissues. Sakusa used to write down a tally for each petal but lost count after three hours.

Suddenly his phone's screen lit up, signalling a message.

He outstretched his hand towards the table, grabbing the phone between two fingers as he brought it closer to read the text.

**from: hinata shōyō**

we're coming over.

_We?_ Sakusa thought. _God, I hope he doesn't drag the entire team along_. _No. Shōyō isn't stupid. He knows I wouldn't let an entire team into my apartment. It's probably just him and Bokuto. Possibly Atsumu._

The last name remained on his mind as he placed the phone back on the table and returned his attention back to the tv programme.

"Miya Atsumu," his name came out weak and hushed, the symptoms taking a toll on Sakusa's vocal cords as well.

No matter how much pain his existence is currently putting him through, Sakusa was sure of two things.

  1. He was happy that Miya Atsumu existed and that he was a part of his life.
  2. He still loved him and would continue to love him for quite some time.



\------------

Almost falling asleep to his thoughts and the show, a knock on his door brought Sakusa back to the real world. He coughed up another petal into the bin next to the couch and looked towards the entrance to his apartment.

 _Already here?_ he thought. He got off the couch and walked towards the door, holding a tissue by his mouth in case he'd go into another coughing fit. He twisted the lock on his door and pulled the handle down to let the visitors in and immediately his drowsy eyes fell onto his teammates, each wearing a worried look on their faces.

He motioned for the group to come in, and after Atsumu closing the door, the trio silently followed him into his living room.

"Make yourselves comfortable," Sakusa gently motioned towards the couch, his voice hushed and weak from the excessive coughing.

"You sound terrible, Sakusa," Hinata said worriedly. "What is it?"

Sakusa coughed up yet another petal, quickly hiding it in the tissue and throwing it away. He then took another one out of the tissue box and sat down on the edge of the couch.

"I got a thing, in my lungs," he explained, not wanting to lie to his teammates, but not telling them the whole truth. "Don't worry, I'm getting it surgically removed."

All three of them sighed in relief.

"How did you find out?" Bokuto asked. "You didn't seem ill or anything, did it just strike out of nothing?"

"We discovered it on a routine checkup," Sakusa lied. "The timing was just pure luck, I guess."

"So, you're just gonna get the surgery and you'll be back to normal, right?" Hinata asked.

"Yeah," Sakusa nodded. "The procedure has a perfect success rate so far. There's nothing to be worried about. I'll be okay."

"Good. We just wanted to make sure you're okay, you know?" Bokuto added.

"Yeah," Sakusa nodded. "Thanks."

Miya Atsumu who sat on the floor diagonally across from Sakusa hadn't yet said a word, a gesture completely unfamiliar and strange for him.

\------------

"Oh man, it's getting late," Bokuto noted, looking at his watch. "We should probably head back, I'm pretty sure Sakusa here has had enough human interaction to last him a week."

Sakusa smiled at that comment, a smile that everyone noticed.

" _That,_ and Omi-san will have literally nothing left in his fridge if I don't drag you out of here now," Hinata added with a grin, shaking his head at Bokuto who was now slowly closing Sakusa's fridge.

"Yeah, let's go," Bokuto added, heading for the door.

Somehow, Sakusa was there first, already holding the door open.

"Thanks again for visiting," Sakusa looked away for a moment. "I actually appreciate it."

"Aww, is Sakusa growing soft?" Bokuto asked, puppy eyes shining from his face.

"Never," Sakusa shook his head, and looked over at Atsumu, leaning against the wall that led to the kitchen.

"You're not coming, Atsumu?" Hinata raised his eyebrow and popped his head back into the apartment.

"I'll catch up with ya two later," Atsumu replied. "I promised Omi-kun I'll help him out with a few things."

Sakusa wanted to protest, but something inside of him told him to shut up.

"Okay, see ya," Bokuto and Hinata waved at the duo on the other side of the door.

Sakusa's gaze lingered on Atsumu's figure, the only thing he could think of was why the setter didn't leave as well.

"Atsumu," he turned to at him after he closed the door.

"Sit," Atsumu interrupted, motioning over to Sakusa's couch.

"Atsumu, I don't need to talk about this," Sakusa shook him off as he turned around and walked to his kitchen. "I'm fine."

"Why ya lyin' then?"

Sakusa's brain short-circuited.

"What are you talking about-" he managed to get out before Atsumu interrupted him again.

"I know ya got hanahaki," he said, the typical playful expression on his face now replaced by a more serious one, his eyes staring at Sakusa.

Sakusa could only listen, his entire body frozen in place.

"And I know that it's because of me and that ya got rose," he continued.

"How do you, how could you _possibly_ know?" Sakusa stared at Atsumu, eyes wide in shock, as he finally obliged and sat on the couch.

"I realized it sometime after the party," Atsumu started. "I thought a lot about what happened, ya know? Ya were never the type do to stuff like that, out of the blue. And then I realized. Ya don't drink Omi-kun. Yer an abstainer. I remember ya telling us during the one night out with the Jackals. Which mean ya kissed me sober."

Sakusa looked away.

"But as ya know, I don't have the same feelings for ya," Atsumu continued. "Not only because I'm currently seein' someone but probably due to the fact that three years ago I went through the same thing. With ya."

Sakusa now turned back, again in disbelief of what he was hearing.

"Yeah," Atsumu continued. "I was stage chrysanthemum. That's kinda like the middle stage, but ya probably know that already. I still went and got the procedure done, which means that even if I wanted to, I can't feel anything past platonic towards ya."

"The time you said you had meningitis?" Sakusa asked.

Atsumu nodded and pulled down the collar of his shirt, revealing a thin scar that dragged through the middle of his chest.

"It didn't take me long to put two and two together," he said. "I'm not that big of an airhead as I may seem to be. What shocked me is that yer in rose."

"How did you figure that part out?"

"As I said, I was chrysanthemum. While I had it, there was this group I went to, where we all talked about it. We were all stages one to four, with one exception. There was one single lady who had rose. Ya know how it is, the higher the subtype is ranked, the rarer it is," Atsumu said.

"And the worse progress it has," Sakusa added.

"Ya. Her symptoms were way worse than ours, she was coughing out a petal every 15 minutes or so. She couldn't sleep because of it, lost her appetite, 'twas terrible," Atsumu sighed at the memory.

"How is she now?" Sakusa asked.

"It got her."

Sakusa's blood froze in his veins.

"She suffocated in her sleep."

Silence.

"That's why, and promise me this, Kiyoomi," Atsumu took Sakusa's hands in his, his expression now even more serious as Sakusa's first name left his mouth. "Promise me you'll get the procedure."

"I'm set for next Wednesday."

Atsumu sighed in relief.

"I'll be here for ya till then," Atsumu said. "And after that as well of course."

"Thank you," Sakusa said, and actually genuine smile appearing on his face. "For telling me this. And for everything else."

Atsumu nodded, the same smile on his face.

"It's always the right people at the wrong time, huh?"

"Ya," Atsumu sighed.

"Maybe in our second lives then," Sakusa added, a single tear falling onto the sheets under him.

"I hope so."

Neither Sakusa Kiyoomi nor Miya Atsumu have noticed that during this conversation, Sakusa hadn't coughed out one petal.

\------------

"How ya doing Omi-kun?" Atsumu's voice echoed through the kitchen from Sakusa's phone placed on the marble countertop.

"Trying not to kill myself with the floral garden in my respiratory system."

"Ah, the humour is back," Atsumu snickered. "That's good."

"Should I be pitying myself?" Sakusa asked. "It's not like it's my last day on earth, Atsumu. I'm putting up with this for two more days, and I can forget that it had ever happened."

Deep down both of them knew that neither of them would forget about this, ever.

"Ya," Atsumu replied. "Just two more days. Ya can pull through. Yer a pretty strong person to say so myself. Both physically and mentally."

Sakusa didn't know how to reply, a simple "thanks" didn't seem appropriate.

"Just so you know Atsumu," Sakusa started. "I don't blame _you-_ "

"Ya better not put this on yerself, Sakusa," Atsumu interrupted. "They are _feelings._ Ya can't control them. Ya can't choose who yer are going to fall in love with, and who yer not. It's an instinct. Ya, I get yer point of us having parallel stories but what is in the past is in the past, and ya can't change it. And believe me, Sakusa, if I could change the past, I would."

"What exactly do you mean with that?" Sakusa asked, confused about Atsumu's answer.

"Ya know _exactly_ what I mean with that. I would have given a lifetime to be with ya, I still would, just that I can't anymore. I physically cannot. All those years ago I was way too hotheaded, the same way I still am, I didn't wait, I didn't tell ya-"

"Now you're the _last_ person who's responsible for this!" Sakusa didn't let Atsumu finish.

"We both are, but at the same time, neither of us is," Atsumu decided to settle the argument. "We both did things that if we hadn't done would have prevented this outcome, but at the same time, we couldn't have known about other things, and many things happened without us having the ability to control them."

"That's probably the best way to put it," Sakusa agreed.

"Ya. Good luck, Omi."

\------------

The following two days went like a blur. Sakusa got ready for his surgery, he signed all the papers and documents, sent a text before the procedure to his teammates and then a separate one to Atsumu, not even having the time to read the reply before he had all his romantic attachment to him removed.

The last thought before his world turned to black was once again an image of Miya Atsumu.

\------------

Sakusa Kiyoomi was a man who rarely dreamed. But I guess whatever they put into IV's has a certain effect on the mind.

The first thing Sakusa noticed was how soft the sheets were. They were way softer than any sheets he has ever owned. They were too soft, oddly soft.

So was the mattress under him.

And the pillow under his head.

And his nightgown.

Sakusa Kiyoomi felt as if he were floating around in plush.

He threw the soft covers off and stepped off the bed, his feet meeting an even softer carpet.

_Why is everything so fucking soft?_

He looked up and realized.

_Oh, not my apartment. Makes sense._

A strong scent of botany suddenly his senses, Sakusa instinctively turning his head to the direction from where it came from.

"Roses?" he asked himself.

The scent of roses, which would have naturally posed as the worst scent on earth for Sakusa, was now surrounding him from every direction possible and he didn't seem to mind.

"No, not just roses," Sakusa corrected himself as he started to walk closer to the source, the scent growing stronger and stronger with each step.

The scent came from outside, entering the house through a half-open door.

Sakusa opened the door and looked outside.

Wherever this place was, it was a rural area, surrounded by green from every direction. Right in front of the house, kneeling in one of the flower gardens was Atsumu.

"Morning Omi!" he called out for him when he noticed him standing in the door. "C'mere for a sec and look at this!"

Sakusa walked over to Atsumu, carefully walking through the rows of flowers, not wanting to accidentally step on one of them.

"Look," Atsumu pointed at the bright crimson rose, sticking out of a batch of chrysanthemum. "What's a rose like this doing here?"

Sakusa shrugged.

"Well no matter how pretty it is, it gotta go out," Atsumu said as he reached for the scissors.

"Why?" Sakusa asked.

"Kneel down, love," Atsumu moved to make space for Sakusa, who immediately got down to his level and observed where Atsumu was pointing to.

"She doesn't belong here," he explained. "The thorns are damaging the surrounding chrysanthemums. Remember, a few years ago when we found that one chrysanthemum in the rose garden, blocking the small roses from growing? This is the same thing just the other way around. She went out, so so must she."

"I understand," Sakusa stood up and started to walk back towards the house. Mid-way he stopped and looked around back at Atsumu.

"'Tsumu," he called out, catching the blonde's attention as his brown eyes met his darker ones. "Make sure to take out the entirety of the rose. They have pretty strong rooting systems."

The real Sakusa Kiyoomi didn't know _shit_ about rooting systems, or floristry as a whole.

\------------

The typical scent of hospitals hit Sakusa's senses first. Tired, he opened his eyes that felt as if they were glued shut, as he gently pushed himself up, resting his back against the headboard of the bed. The hospital clothes felt odd against his skin; probably due to the fact that the last time he was in a hospital for a surgical procedure was when he was seven. He placed his hand on the centre of his chest, feeling the bandage through the thin material of the gown.

It felt weird.

Sakusa knew the reason he was in the hospital, he knew what operation he went through, but if he were to think back on the actual reason, the unrequited love, he couldn't come up with anything.

Where once was a section called "feelings for Miya Atsumu" was now an empty space.

That was the funny thing.

It wasn't just the romantic feelings that were gone, everything that Sakusa had ever felt towards Atsumu was missing. He still had every memory, but that was it. He would have to start from scratch.

Sakusa was now a little confused, to be honest. Did this procedure disable him from developing purely romantic feelings towards Atsumu or did it affect all feelings, no matter their source?

 _Well, there's only one way to find out,_ he thought for himself.

\------------

Things were going well.

Surprisingly well.

A little too well to be true.

Sakusa and Atsumu renewed their friendship in a matter of weeks, and that was it. Nothing more, nothing less. It felt as if everything went back to normal, to the old tracks.

Sakusa casually listened to Atsumu's drabbles about his girlfriend, sometimes even jumping into the conversation himself, now that the topic was no longer a taboo for him. Sakusa would become the person Atsumu went to when he needed help, and after time, Atsumu became that person for Sakusa too. Weeks and months flew by like nothing, and on one late summer evening, Atsumu was dragging Sakusa into a jewellery shop, begging him to help him pick an engagement ring, and before Sakusa knew it, invitations to Atsumu's wedding were being delivered.

Sakusa was happy for him. He truly was.

Even though he subconsciously started to do things that only way later he would realize were hints he was supposed to take.

Like when he was helping Atsumu pick the ring, and subconsciously picked the one he would want his future husband to give him.

Or like when he went to buy a suit for the wedding and subconsciously bought the one he would want to wear to a wedding of his own.

Or when once again the last thought he had before he went to sleep and the first one in the morning were again of no one but _the_ Miya Atsumu.

Things _were_ going well.

\------------

The loud music of the after-party echoed through the rooms of the rented venue, the smell of fancy champagne hung in the air, and everyone was having the times of their lives. A tipsy Hinata and a very drunk Bokuto along with three other guests were all fighting for the first place in the limbo competition, the rest of the Black Jackals watching them from a nearby table, betting pastries on the winner. Ushijima and Kageyama were discussing something over glasses of wine, Kageyama's gaze sometimes jumping over to Hinata. Sprawled on a couch was Kuroo discussing volleyball with Iwaizumi (who is deeply regretting letting half of Japan's national team get shit-faced), the two practically having to yell in order to hear each other through the music. Paying no attention to the discussion next to him, Akaashi was watching carefully over Bokuto, ready to step in anytime the situation would require and drag him off the limbo stage. Seated on the other couch, right next to the main stage was Osamu, to drained to stop his boyfriend from lighting a joint in the middle of his twin's wedding. Suna leaned his head on Osamu's shoulder as he draped his arm over his form, Osamu subconsciously taking a drag from Suna's weed as they both watched the show that unveiled in front of them.

In a blur of lights, Atsumu was dancing on the main stage like if it were his last day alive, twirling his bride around for about 15 minutes now. His natural stamina boosted by the adrenaline rush and a small dose of alcohol wouldn't allow him to stop.

Why would he?

It was _his_ and _her_ day after all.

But his brother wasn't the blonde's only spectator. Sitting by a bar opposing the stage was a raven in a mask. His gaze was glued onto Atsumu's form, the drink he ordered 15 minutes ago left on the bar, untouched.

"What has you in your thoughts like this, Kiyoomi?" Komori sat down on the barstool next to his cousin.

"What do you think Atsumu thinks about me?" Sakusa asked, his eyes not leaving the dancing blonde. "Do you think he knows I don't actually mean it when I make fun of him, or is he actually an airhead?"

"Since when did things like this bother you?" Komori raised an eyebrow.

"Can't a man wonder?" Sakusa finally turned around.

"Tough to say with his happy-go-lucky attitude," Komori finally answered.

Sakusa let out a light hm and turned back around at Atsumu. A kick to the shin interrupted his thoughts.

"Oi," Komori said with a worried tone. "Don't tell me you're-"

"How could I?" Sakusa didn't let him finish. "With the perfect success rate of the operations, it's impossible for me to go down that rabbit hole again."

Komori still kept his eyes on Sakusa, not fully convinced by his words.

"It's probably just the alcohol talking," Sakusa smirked.

Sakusa Kiyoomi's alcohol abstinence and the bloody napkin in his breast pocket begged to differ.

**Author's Note:**

> i'm truly sorry for those who thought this would actually have a happy ending
> 
> anyways, thank you for reading it means a lot! love you all!
> 
> ps. i inserted some innuendoes into the story, mostly during the dream part, so i'm gonna explain them a bit here;
> 
> the "chrysanthemum in the rose garden" and the "rose sticking out of a batch of chrysanthemum" are innuendoes for atsumu's hanahaki and sakusa's, atsumu having subtype chrysanthemum, and sakusa having rose. sakusa saying "make sure to take out the entirety of the rose, they have pretty strong rooting systems" implies that the higher the stage of hanahaki, the stronger it is, and therefore the harder it is to be surgically removed; which we see proved itself in sakusa's case, as he still has it at the end of the story. 
> 
> yeah i made this overcomplicated for no reason whatsoever
> 
> you can again hmu on my Instagram @rintaed


End file.
